A truth about relationships.

Truth: If you want to have good and healthy relationships but are struggling to, you must look at the things you carry from your past and either change them or make peace with them.

Our ability to make and keep relationships, who we choose to have relationships with, and the types of relationships we choose to have are all guided by the blueprint that is our childhood and our experience with the people who raised us. They are who we had our first and most developmentally important interactions with. I say “choose” because we do not choose our birth family, but we can choose going forward who we want to be friends with, date, work with, live with, etc. and those are the relationships that help form our identity outside of our family.

We carry all the good, bad, and ugly experiences from our family and childhood with us into our future relationships with people who are also carrying their good, bad, and ugly experiences from their family and childhood with them. We can’t help it, it’s how humans are.

We also want to make sure we don’t perpetuate our own cycles by entering relationships with very bad people and things out in the world. These experiences might make us desensitized to dangerous relationships and situations because, hey, we’ve already been through that and it “wasn’t a big deal.” The key is awareness, understanding, and forgiving yourself for what happened, so you can be free to enter safe and healthy relationships and accurately spot a bad one from a mile away.

In conclusion, our blueprint for how we operate in relationships as well as the quality of relationships we will have is initially determined by our past and biological family. We can perpetuate positive and negative cycles of relationships down to our children, so it is important to know ourselves and our people. Most importantly, we can change the bad by recognizing how it exists in ourselves and then change ourselves.

The First Scary Step: Reaching out for Help

In a world where everyone is posting suicide hotlines, #MeToo, and invitations to come over for coffee or something stronger, do you feel ready to make that step for yourself?

It’s Halloween, so we’re talking about something scary for a lot of people! 

First of all, your feelings are totally normal and understandable. The fact that you’ve even acknowledged to yourself that you need help is huge! Feel the fear and reach out anyway! You’ll be glad you did. Oh, and don’t feel that you have to go with the first therapist you find. Be picky, this is your health and well-being we are talking about here! You wouldn't pay for a crappy dinner at a 5 star restaurant, or pay for a medical doctor who doesn’t take good care of you, so don’t settle for a therapist if you don’t feel they are a good fit.

Make that initial appointment and breathe a sigh of relief. It doesn’t matter if you “don't know what to say” or "there’s just so much where do I start?” We always say: Start with what made you call in the first place. And when you walk out of that first session having totally crushed your fears, you’ll wonder why you were so scared in the first place.