Truth: If you want to have good and healthy relationships but are struggling to, you must look at the things you carry from your past and either change them or make peace with them.
Our ability to make and keep relationships, who we choose to have relationships with, and the types of relationships we choose to have are all guided by the blueprint that is our childhood and our experience with the people who raised us. They are who we had our first and most developmentally important interactions with. I say “choose” because we do not choose our birth family, but we can choose going forward who we want to be friends with, date, work with, live with, etc. and those are the relationships that help form our identity outside of our family.
We carry all the good, bad, and ugly experiences from our family and childhood with us into our future relationships with people who are also carrying their good, bad, and ugly experiences from their family and childhood with them. We can’t help it, it’s how humans are.
We also want to make sure we don’t perpetuate our own cycles by entering relationships with very bad people and things out in the world. These experiences might make us desensitized to dangerous relationships and situations because, hey, we’ve already been through that and it “wasn’t a big deal.” The key is awareness, understanding, and forgiving yourself for what happened, so you can be free to enter safe and healthy relationships and accurately spot a bad one from a mile away.
In conclusion, our blueprint for how we operate in relationships as well as the quality of relationships we will have is initially determined by our past and biological family. We can perpetuate positive and negative cycles of relationships down to our children, so it is important to know ourselves and our people. Most importantly, we can change the bad by recognizing how it exists in ourselves and then change ourselves.